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Feedback for Ephemera
I signed up for the Feedback Challenge (link goes to the master list), and was asked to produce feedback for Ephemera. Really, not intimidating at all.
Well, hi! I wasn't at all sure I'd find any popslash in your index that I hadn't already given a reasonable amount of feedback for, but—slightly to my shame!—I did. So let's start with that.
Love is not a victory march Choey
There really is a whole life told in this fic. The picture of remembered poverty is very vivid. I love the way these two live their lives—and found myself thinking wistfully that it would be nice to be friends with them. Their comfortable, easy security of their relationship is clear in the way they work together.
The middle scene is delicious. My favourite part? "...and then slowly dragged his tongue up the length of Chris's finger, bringing his focus to bear, so that by the time he met Chris's eyes his mouth was pursed around the finger tip, and if Chris wasn't picking up where his mind had gone… " They're lush and earthy, sensual in a completely everyday way. Yum.
And then the complete change of mood that brings me right back to the sadness of that picture. Again, you've got so much into a few paragraphs; this sets the scene and characterises Chris's grandmother and expresses the warmth and strength of the Chris-Joey relationship, and is sad enough to bring a prickle to my eyes as well.
It's not the kind of life that would make for a novel-sized story, because it's easy to imagine these two going on, day to day, being decent, happy, loving. But it's a really nice glimpse into a convincing alternate reality. (Also, I can't imagine why I didn't give you feedback for it when it came out. Bad Pen.)
Just breathe Chola
Well, you know you've converted me to the joy that is 'domestic Chola', and this is a very good example of it.
You're always so good at settling into a mood, an atmosphere (I'm envious); this is such a familiar, warm place. Joey allowing himself to be sappy. The lovely sensuous details Joey feels, the exploration of different senses, the way Chris allows himself to be petted. Nuzzling. almost painfully sweet, sexy but not sexy, but just really good, all loving and calm and timeless It's lovely. I have to read it slowly to get the savour out of it all. Even little irrelevancies, like he kept meaning to go get his hair cut, but not actually getting around to it fit the flow so well. It's perfectly in keeping that Joey drifts off towards sleep. And the resolution of Lance's return is just right, a gentle fitting-together.
I really like this.
Ninjas
Lance's POV, and early-stage relationship, quite a different feeling to it, more nerves, less comfort. There are some slightly larger leaps of logic than I was altogether able to follow: I wasn't quite sure why the simple existence of a laptop led Lance to assume photographs—thought there might be a desktop wallpaper of the two of them snuggling, or something, but that didn't seem to be it. (Also, there's a word missing in the sentence Chris, peaceful and asleep and trusting in his bed, and the idea that the magic laptop fairies sneaking around and taking photos to sell to the National Enquirer.) And Chris assumes computer=photos, too, but why?
But Lance's feelings of panic are very well conveyed, and the regret, and the anticipated loss feels quite painful. Such a relief when it turns out there's no need to worry. And I love Chris's elite ninjas.
Final paragraph is just what I like!
And that's the truth
Oh, ow. Poor Lance! I like the background you set up, and the typical weirdness of the collections of stuff Chris sends him. And the bittersweetness of the 'bar' joke, the fact that Chris was not as okay with hiatus as he wanted to pretend, and they knew it, and also needing to pretend. Nice insights, economically done. You do manage to say a lot, don't you!
And poor Lance at the end, so eager that he pressed exactly the wrong button, and Chris all taut and ready to be rejected. Ouch.
So, on to the original fic.
Kael and Jem
As always, you set up mood and atmosphere beautifully. The gradually unfolding evidence of faerie is intriguing, and delicately done, with the way tiny hints open up eventually, but the direct statements only come when it's already clear that these are not ordinary humans, and only the details remain.
I liked in particular the peacefulness of Solstice part 8, and the way you give a clear picture of what other gatherings might be, and what other aspects of this world might be, by listing what *isn't* present here. It works very well. Also, the *very* sensual lovemaking in part 10.
'Before the beginning' is very evocative, the emotions really come through, but I found the last sentence a little awkward to navigate. "Wanna Blessed Be's" lightened things up nicely, a little more tart and again, giving a clear picture of what is by detailing what is not.
In 'Welcome Home' I was a bit puzzled by the box, expected something to come of it, since it was used to set the scene. I very much like the phrase "Nothing as narrow as words could contain this."
'Watching" is really gorgeous, both for the images it presents and for the way it puts across Kael's feelings. 'Blue-blushed skin', yummy! And "loved with knots and forethought" is such a perfect way of explaining what happens in "Caretaking". Then, lovely lush food descriptions, the words perfectly picked to taste good in the mouth.
The "Answering Questions" part is really fascinating. I think perhaps the fact that you know exactly who these two characters are may explain why in some places the stories seem incomplete to me.
I did have some problems, though, here and there. I found the conversation that opened Summer Solstice 1 surprisingly jarring. Did you write it a long time ago? It was sorta messy, and I think it needs some 'tags' to break it up and set the mood. It's hard to tell what tone it's all supposed to have, and personally, I'd prefer "Jem said" to the conversation including name-checks. Also, the punctuation is mostly missing, which sadly gives it a rather "This Is My Very First Story" feel. Definitely not up to your usual standard. There are also a few instances sprinkled across the stories where spellcheck has let you down and you have the wrong word ('loose' for 'lose', that sort of thing).
I also got a bit confused with what happened on the boat—who was where in the boat, who was doing what, who was out of the boat. I assume there was a reason for having a Karl as well as a Kael (and another K later—Karis? I can't remember...) but I did find it a bit difficult, dealing with two such similar names. If it's a faerie thing, maybe keeping the 'ael' and changing the K would be easier on the reader?
I liked these, a lot, but there was a little tug of 'something is missing', and I guess what's missing is A Plot. I suspect that part of the problem is that I read it all together, where undoubtedly it wasn't written that way. The scenes work on their own, but I think my expectation was Long Fic = Long Story, whereas it is "things that happen to these characters".
In summary, I liked almost all the individual pieces, it's a fascinating and richly textured world, and the way you evoke the atmospheres, and the relationships between Kael and Jem (I love the way they think about one another) and with other people are very well conveyed. It's a set of beautiful glimpses into another world, rather than a story, and almost certainly best read as I assume it was written—a little at a time.
And finally, inevitably,
the necrophiliac plushy gang bang story
(now there's a title which will have the lava lamp gang scurrying to click the link)
Bwahaha! I adore the narrator's voice, I really do. So self-righteous about things, he's a weirdo all right, but entirely believable. All those glorious self-justifying paragraphs! A teddy bear with a jar of liver in it! Ahahaha! Unashamedly disgusting and wonderfully funny.
Obviously I have been warped by popslash.
Well, hi! I wasn't at all sure I'd find any popslash in your index that I hadn't already given a reasonable amount of feedback for, but—slightly to my shame!—I did. So let's start with that.
Love is not a victory march Choey
There really is a whole life told in this fic. The picture of remembered poverty is very vivid. I love the way these two live their lives—and found myself thinking wistfully that it would be nice to be friends with them. Their comfortable, easy security of their relationship is clear in the way they work together.
The middle scene is delicious. My favourite part? "...and then slowly dragged his tongue up the length of Chris's finger, bringing his focus to bear, so that by the time he met Chris's eyes his mouth was pursed around the finger tip, and if Chris wasn't picking up where his mind had gone… " They're lush and earthy, sensual in a completely everyday way. Yum.
And then the complete change of mood that brings me right back to the sadness of that picture. Again, you've got so much into a few paragraphs; this sets the scene and characterises Chris's grandmother and expresses the warmth and strength of the Chris-Joey relationship, and is sad enough to bring a prickle to my eyes as well.
It's not the kind of life that would make for a novel-sized story, because it's easy to imagine these two going on, day to day, being decent, happy, loving. But it's a really nice glimpse into a convincing alternate reality. (Also, I can't imagine why I didn't give you feedback for it when it came out. Bad Pen.)
Just breathe Chola
Well, you know you've converted me to the joy that is 'domestic Chola', and this is a very good example of it.
You're always so good at settling into a mood, an atmosphere (I'm envious); this is such a familiar, warm place. Joey allowing himself to be sappy. The lovely sensuous details Joey feels, the exploration of different senses, the way Chris allows himself to be petted. Nuzzling. almost painfully sweet, sexy but not sexy, but just really good, all loving and calm and timeless It's lovely. I have to read it slowly to get the savour out of it all. Even little irrelevancies, like he kept meaning to go get his hair cut, but not actually getting around to it fit the flow so well. It's perfectly in keeping that Joey drifts off towards sleep. And the resolution of Lance's return is just right, a gentle fitting-together.
I really like this.
Ninjas
Lance's POV, and early-stage relationship, quite a different feeling to it, more nerves, less comfort. There are some slightly larger leaps of logic than I was altogether able to follow: I wasn't quite sure why the simple existence of a laptop led Lance to assume photographs—thought there might be a desktop wallpaper of the two of them snuggling, or something, but that didn't seem to be it. (Also, there's a word missing in the sentence Chris, peaceful and asleep and trusting in his bed, and the idea that the magic laptop fairies sneaking around and taking photos to sell to the National Enquirer.) And Chris assumes computer=photos, too, but why?
But Lance's feelings of panic are very well conveyed, and the regret, and the anticipated loss feels quite painful. Such a relief when it turns out there's no need to worry. And I love Chris's elite ninjas.
Final paragraph is just what I like!
And that's the truth
Oh, ow. Poor Lance! I like the background you set up, and the typical weirdness of the collections of stuff Chris sends him. And the bittersweetness of the 'bar' joke, the fact that Chris was not as okay with hiatus as he wanted to pretend, and they knew it, and also needing to pretend. Nice insights, economically done. You do manage to say a lot, don't you!
And poor Lance at the end, so eager that he pressed exactly the wrong button, and Chris all taut and ready to be rejected. Ouch.
So, on to the original fic.
Kael and Jem
As always, you set up mood and atmosphere beautifully. The gradually unfolding evidence of faerie is intriguing, and delicately done, with the way tiny hints open up eventually, but the direct statements only come when it's already clear that these are not ordinary humans, and only the details remain.
I liked in particular the peacefulness of Solstice part 8, and the way you give a clear picture of what other gatherings might be, and what other aspects of this world might be, by listing what *isn't* present here. It works very well. Also, the *very* sensual lovemaking in part 10.
'Before the beginning' is very evocative, the emotions really come through, but I found the last sentence a little awkward to navigate. "Wanna Blessed Be's" lightened things up nicely, a little more tart and again, giving a clear picture of what is by detailing what is not.
In 'Welcome Home' I was a bit puzzled by the box, expected something to come of it, since it was used to set the scene. I very much like the phrase "Nothing as narrow as words could contain this."
'Watching" is really gorgeous, both for the images it presents and for the way it puts across Kael's feelings. 'Blue-blushed skin', yummy! And "loved with knots and forethought" is such a perfect way of explaining what happens in "Caretaking". Then, lovely lush food descriptions, the words perfectly picked to taste good in the mouth.
The "Answering Questions" part is really fascinating. I think perhaps the fact that you know exactly who these two characters are may explain why in some places the stories seem incomplete to me.
I did have some problems, though, here and there. I found the conversation that opened Summer Solstice 1 surprisingly jarring. Did you write it a long time ago? It was sorta messy, and I think it needs some 'tags' to break it up and set the mood. It's hard to tell what tone it's all supposed to have, and personally, I'd prefer "Jem said" to the conversation including name-checks. Also, the punctuation is mostly missing, which sadly gives it a rather "This Is My Very First Story" feel. Definitely not up to your usual standard. There are also a few instances sprinkled across the stories where spellcheck has let you down and you have the wrong word ('loose' for 'lose', that sort of thing).
I also got a bit confused with what happened on the boat—who was where in the boat, who was doing what, who was out of the boat. I assume there was a reason for having a Karl as well as a Kael (and another K later—Karis? I can't remember...) but I did find it a bit difficult, dealing with two such similar names. If it's a faerie thing, maybe keeping the 'ael' and changing the K would be easier on the reader?
I liked these, a lot, but there was a little tug of 'something is missing', and I guess what's missing is A Plot. I suspect that part of the problem is that I read it all together, where undoubtedly it wasn't written that way. The scenes work on their own, but I think my expectation was Long Fic = Long Story, whereas it is "things that happen to these characters".
In summary, I liked almost all the individual pieces, it's a fascinating and richly textured world, and the way you evoke the atmospheres, and the relationships between Kael and Jem (I love the way they think about one another) and with other people are very well conveyed. It's a set of beautiful glimpses into another world, rather than a story, and almost certainly best read as I assume it was written—a little at a time.
And finally, inevitably,
the necrophiliac plushy gang bang story
(now there's a title which will have the lava lamp gang scurrying to click the link)
Bwahaha! I adore the narrator's voice, I really do. So self-righteous about things, he's a weirdo all right, but entirely believable. All those glorious self-justifying paragraphs! A teddy bear with a jar of liver in it! Ahahaha! Unashamedly disgusting and wonderfully funny.
Obviously I have been warped by popslash.
no subject
'and that's the truth' I'm still secretly proud of - it's my little red headed steopchild story that got no feedback, but I loves it. (I never have heard the song, though)
ninjas - strange laptop in the room = someone else has been in the room = panic ;p - obviously I failed at making that evident.
I keep thinking I should go back and write a third part to 'just breathe', from Lances POV
Kael and Jem - you hit the nail on the head - these are my first original boys, and these are snippets, rather than a coherent story. (Made even more fragmentary by the fact there's a chunk of their tale not on line where I've been periodically polishing it up for publication ...) Plot's never been my strong point, and the online Kael and Jem certainly doesn't have any! (I think the last line of Before the Beginning needs you to have read Scars - the missing section - to make sense, for example)
Zombie .... *grins* - Chris *asked* for that one - he actually has a cameo;p
Did I mention THANK YOU!!
no subject
No, no, I got that, I just wasn't sure why someone else=photos taken. I'm sure that the first time I read it I 'saw' the laptop open with a pic on it, but when I looked properly, that wasn't there...
You know Kael and Jem so well!
A good challenge, well worth doing. It's kinda fun to sit and make yourself think, *why* do I like (or not like) what I'm reading. And we so rarely give each other such details.