pensnest | (no subject)

I went to a funeral on Friday. A friend, younger than I, dead from cancer of the colon.

But you know, it was the best funeral I've attended in a very long time, possibly ever. It was a humanist ceremony, and it focused very clearly on the person it was about. Talked about her life, what she'd done, how she'd affected the people who knew her. Much more clearly than any of the all-too-many religious (specifically, Christian, but of different denominations) funerals I've been to in the last few years.

I've sat in too many churches, being told that the deceased is in heaven, in God's care, etc, and angrily but silently disbelieving it. I find that in Christian funerals, whether C of E, Catholic or Methodist, the service is mostly generic, by which I mean, it's the same service, whoever died. And perhaps that's comforting to those who believe, because it confirms the fellowship, or the fact that we're all going the same way... To me, it's not comforting. To me it's just formulaic.

I don't want to hear about the death (or, heck, the life) of someone other than the person I'm there for, and how that was way more meaningful. I don't want to hear all that stuff about the afterlife, because I don't believe it. Dead is dead, no survival of the 'soul', no reuniting with those who've died before. That's it. But once I'm inside a church, the assumption of the whole service is that I believe everything. It angers me. I don't. I'm there for a formal farewell to the person who died.

The humanist service made space for people's religious belief, if they had it - there were a few minutes during the service specifically for individuals to hold their own thoughts of the deceased, to pray if they wished to. In a religious ceremony there is no room allocated for my beliefs, no acknowledgment that there are any alternatives.

It seems to be a trend nowadays that people don't dress in sub-fusc for funerals, at least, not always. We wore bright things on Friday, and at my father's funeral, and at my grandma's. I like it.

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I'm sorry for your friend's death. That's so sad.

I haven't been to a funeral in a number of years, but I know what you mean by formulaic. The humanist approach sounds like the way to go.

It was very refreshing, and her family had obviously put a lot of thought into it.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. <3

I agree with your thoughts. I don't believe in souls moving up, people looking down at us from heaven and all. Once you've passed away, that's it. So it's always awkward for me to go to funerals where that's the entire focus.

I haven't been to many funerals but this one I went to because my friend's niece passed away will always stick in my mind. The priest didn't know her and kept mispronouncing her name the entire time. It was just...so...odd? Sad? ;-/ So yes, I agree. I think more personal/humanist ones are better - ones that celebrate the person.

I think it must be horrible to go to a funeral where the officiant plainly has no idea who the deceased was. Much better to have friends and family involved, if they can be, though it isn't easy.

To me it's just formulaic.

It is and it's designed that way. Being Episcopal [by training, if you will] that service is found on pages so and so of the book of common prayer. Each religion has it's own book and pages. Because, for better or worse, death is a common thing. It's why they have the eulogy.

The assumption that you believe those things.... I dunno. I don't honestly think each church assumes funeral attendees believe the stuff in their service but that the person the funeral service is being read for believed them.

That being said, my personal beliefs are that funerals are for the living, a time for the survivors of that persons life to gather together. To mourn and remember and offer up their comfort to those affected most..... however that principal works for them. Your friends humanist gathering sounds quite lovely for those things. People should probably be more proactive in their own services within traditional church services as well, but don't like to think about death in that way.

I had to look up sub-fusc as I'd never heard it. lol. Black and navy blue still tend to be the call to order here, but honestly, the last funeral I went to was of an extended family member who took his own life quite suddenly.... none of us were feeling anything but black. Black is a very popular color here in the States for loads of things. Including weddings. I wonder how much of that plays into its continued popularity at funerals.

my personal beliefs are that funerals are for the living

I agree, absolutely. Actually, I keep meaning to write down instructions for my own funeral, on the assumption that it'll be easier for other people to deal with it if they have somewhere to start! But I'm easily distracted.

I think we're *probably* more traditional here about not wearing black to weddings. Not sure, though, it's a while since I've been to a wedding. And black for funerals hasn't gone - in fact, after the funeral on Friday we gathered in the garden, and could tell when a separate funeral group arrived as they were all distinctively in dark colours.

I'm really sorry for your loss. (((HUG)))

It was nice that we had my mom's memorial service in one of the funeral parlor chapels. The minister concentrated on celebrating her life and reassuring us (her family). The entire service, really, was a celebration of who my mother was as a person. It was helpful in gaining closure, since my mom was cremated, as she wished.

Also, although I wore black pants as a sign of respect, I had on a nice, bright green striped shirt for the service. I think my mom would have liked that. I know I did.

I think that's what I need a funeral to be, too, a celebration of the deceased as a person.

My grandma specified that we were to wear brights to her funeral (and instructed me that I was to sing 'Amazing Grace'). I wore my best hat, which was bright pink. She loved hats.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. :(

I tend to avoid funerals, because I don't want my last memory of a person to be of their families weeping and their body being put in the ground/their ashes being scattered. I skipped a funeral of a friend for that reason.

We did something similar to your friend's for my grandmother. (Actually, we purposely avoided the word funeral as well). I think it helps, when dealing with loss, to concentrate on the person's life and not their death.

Hmm, funerals don't count as 'last memory' for me, because as far as I'm concerned, the person isn't there anyway. If it's a funeral of someone I cared about, I want it to be done right; if it's someone I didn't know very well, I go to show respect and support for the bereaved.

I'm sorry for your loss. And glad the funeral was a meaningful one.

Thank you.

I'm sad for your loss but it sounds like it was a really good ceremony.

I completely agree with you about religious funerals. They just feel strange and wrong to me, especially if the person whose funeral it is wasn't very, or even at all, religious. I've told my relatives that on no account must my funeral be religious in any way. I've been an atheist since I was a kid, it would be WRONG. I really ought to write down what kind of memorial ceremony I would like but it's the kind of thing that's it's very hard to actually sit down and do.

My father's funeral last year was very odd, because it was a Catholic mass; although I'm atheist now, I was brought up in the Church of England, so at least funerals there are familiar. It was so strange to have my father—who converted after he'd had his stroke—depart with a ritual I wasn't even familiar with.

I definitely want a humanist funeral. I've actually attended two, in the same crematorium, and they were both good.

Well, funerals are rites. Rites are universal phenomena and follow certain scripts, so funerals will probably stay formulaic.

In Finland a funeral would usually mean a short ceremony in a church/chapel, burial, and dinner/similar. The ceremony usually says very little about the person since the priest probably didn't know them. (Though the hymns could be chosen by the family for example.) But, since it's a separate event, you don't have to go! Most people do though. But then the dinner/whatever event afterwards is organized by the family (or friends), and has speeches/pictures/general talk about that person.

That being said, I do sometimes find funerals (and weddings) weirdly repetitive and impersonal. If people tried a little, I'm sure there are ways to make them more interesting without breaking too many traditions (if those are important to you).

I suspect that if you're "inside" the religious tradition, the rite is comforting. It's just that if you're not, it really doesn't work. Interesting, though, that you have a tradition where the church/chapel part is optional—for us it's more likely to be the food afterwards part that's opted out of.

I'm in favour of a bit of restraint in the matter of personally-made rituals (I'd have been horrified if my groom had wittered on for pages and ended up weeping, Joey Fatone style!) but it is nice to have them *personal*.