I cannot think of a title which encompasses these three things adequately

[pensnest]

My Beast bought me a Shiny Thing.

It's small, bigger than a golf ball, smaller than a tennis ball, and it (apparently, I haven't tried it yet) will attach to my iPhone and enable me to listen to stories as I paint, without having to have earbuds in my ears. It is an absurd and adorable little device.

Beast is a good Beast.

Meanwhile, my cat is still enamoured of my shoes.



Yes, she was asleep on top of my sandal.

Remember The Old Spice Man Kink Meme? There are lots of little gems on there, particularly this one, which features characters I'm unfamiliar with but which is still brilliant.



Anything Goes (better when your man smells like Old Spice)
mostly by Cole Porter

Scene: the main deck of a magnificent ocean-going liner, strangely deserted

Enter John Barrowman

Barrowman:
My story is much too sad to be told
But practically everything leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is—what the—?!!!?

Enter Old Spice Man, rising from the waves mounted on a giant sea-horse

Old Spice Man:
If you're ever in a jam, here I am.
If you're ever in a mess, SOS.
Hello, John Barrowman! Look at yourself. Now look at me. Now look at yourself. Now back to me. Sadly—

Barrowman:
You do something to me
Something that simply mystifies me
Tell me why should it be
You have the power to hypnotise me.

Old Spice Man:
If you stopped using lady-scented body wash, you could smell like me.
An Old Spice container appears miraculously in his hand

Barrowman:
Let me live 'neath your spell
Do do that voodoo that you do so well
For you do something to me
That nobody else could do.
He accepts the Old Spice container and sniffs dubiously.
You know, I think I'm going to need convincing on this one.

A shower cubicle with water running and steam rising drops miraculously onto the deck.

Barrowman:
Okay, so that's impressive.

Old Spice Man:
Thank you. Look again. What's in my hand? It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now condoms.

Barrowman:
Birds do it, bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it.
Let's do it
Let's—

Old Spice Man:
Anything is possible when you smell like Old Spice and not a lady.

Barrowman:
Okay, I'm sold.

Barrowman and Old Spice Man enter the shower cubicle. The curtain is drawn.

Enter chorus of sailors in tight-fitting white bell-bottoms, snug, striped T-shirts and jaunty little hats. Surrounding the shower cubicle they perform a dazzling tap routine.

Chorus of sailors:
You're the top
You're the Coliseum
You're the top
You're the Louvre Museum
You're the melody from a symphony by Strauss
You're a Bendel bonnet,
A Shakespeare sonnet
You're Mickey Mouse!

You're the Nile
You're the Tower of Pisa
a descant of excited noises is heard from within the shower cubicle
You're the smile
On the Mona Lisa
I'm a useless check, a total wreck, of course
But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're on a horse.

Curtain falls

Yeah. Well, anyway. How are you?

Comments

[cristinrenee]

Your cat is so cute on her little shoe-pillow!

[letterboys]

Ahahahaha that is the most random place for a cat to sleep!

But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're on a horse.
I was all along for the ride, until I hit this line and burst into giggles. :D

[pensnest]

She's a daft little beastie, really. I'd have thought the buckles would be uncomfortable.

[pensnest]

I can't really claim authorship, but I can see the whole scene quite clearly!

[puszysty]

Silly cat.

The characters in the one you link to are the Mythbusters! Jaime is the uptight one, which makes it that much more obscure.

[pensnest]

Ah, yes. I think someone else explained that to me—but I've never seen Mythbusters so the information doesn't stick. Great ficlet, though.