A Modern Day Matilda

[pensnest]

With apologies to Hilaire Belloc, whose poem "The Story of Matilda, Who Told Lies and was Burned to Death" was written over a century ago. Times have changed.


Matilda told such dreadful lies
It made one gasp and scratch one’s eyes.
Her aunt, who always told the truth
Was quite aghast when, in her youth,
Matilda told wild tales at school
That made her teacher feel a fool,
Until the principal, compelled,
Informed her that she was expelled.

Matilda, now at home at leisure
Found new mischief for her pleasure.
As soon as she was left alone
She tiptoed to the telephone
To summon the immediate aid
Of Hemel Hempstead’s fire brigade.
The blue lights flashed, the sirens wailed
The denizens of Apsley flailed
—because it pleases simple folk
To see the flames and smell the smoke.
The hoses sent the water higher,
Although, in fact, there was no fire.
And Auntie had to pay a fine
For wrongly dialling nine-nine-nine.

Matilda’s unrepentant claim
Was that her aunt had shot to fame,
And should be grateful to her niece
For not involving the police.


It happened that, after some years,
Despite her aunt’s and parents’ fears,
Matilda, planning to go far
Made her career in PR.
And learned, promoting many clients,
Publicity was quite the science.
A woman with big breasts became
A celebrated household name.
A man who cheated on his wife
Was subsequently set for life.
A hundred others, villains all,
Thanks to Matilda, could stand tall.
The company was most impressed,
And so, our girl’s career progressed,
Until she gained a splendid prize,
A new event to organize,
To set all London town aquiver,
A celebration on the river,
A thing not witnessed every day
A fabulous firework display!
To which the citizens would come
To start the new millennium.

For weeks and weeks Matilda planned
A spectacle surpassing grand
Until at last the fireworks flew,
And all at once Matilda grew
Excited by the bursts of flame
And having very little shame
She promptly said, “I’ll risk the fine,”
And once again, called nine-nine-nine.
“Emergency! Which service, please?”
It brought back pleasant memories.
Obediently she told them where,
And said she’d seen explosions there.
The firemen rushed to save the Dome.
Matilda... took a fireman home.

The coverage she thus achieved
Had to be seen to be believed!
Front page on every tabloid rag,
A feature in each gossip mag.
And TV footage was assured.
Matilda won a gold award.
A statuette, and lots of dough
Presented at a special show.
That night, a fire did break out.
You should have heard Matilda shout!
You should have heard her shrieks of glee,
She’d never quite grown up, you see.
To douse the flames the firemen came
The mention of Matilda’s name
Encouraging them to make haste
And pose, with hoses firmly braced,
and manly muscled chests displayed,
A Feast of Firemen on parade!
And therefore, when the smoke had cleared,
Matilda,
and the men,
had disappeared.

The moral of this tale is clear
Though Aunt would not approve, I fear;
That nowadays, to win first prize,
You must be good at telling lies.

Comments

[pensnest]

Glad to oblige!