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pensnestI've probably written about this before, but this morning I read a piece about a woman who had lost a much-wanted pregnancy. It's here.
There's a lot of sadness in it, obviously. But something that stood out for me was this paragraph:
Because that happened to me.
My first pregnancy. What with my irregular cycle, I had been keeping track of my temperature for a few months, and I knew that this time, something had happened. Went to the chemist, had a pregnancy test, it was positive. Went to the doctor. Went on to the hospital to get started on the obstetric track, and even saw the consultant—who dismissed my assertion that I was twelve weeks pregnant and stated firmly that I was eight weeks along.
Knowing no better, I just assumed I would show this idiot who was right when I produced a baby a month before he thought I would. Didn't work out that way.
At seventeen weeks (by my count) I was actually at the dress rehearsal for a show (Die Fledermaus) when I started bleeding. Went straight to hospital. Had a scan. Back then, early scans were not routine, so this was the first one I'd had. And it turned out, there was no foetus in there.
I'd never heard of a 'blighted ovum' before. Turns out, it's possible for an egg to be fertilised, for all the right hormonal signals to be sent, for your uterus to start sorting itself out to host a newcomer—so that all the detectable signs of pregnancy are present—and for that fertilised egg simply to fail to develop. Apparently it is quite common. It's hardly ever mentioned. We all know about the possibility of miscarriage, but that there should be an unpregnancy, with everything happening except an actual zygote, that we don't tend to know about, or at least, I've hardly ever seen it discussed. Perhaps it is just lumped in under the 'miscarriage' label. But I had to have a D&C to empty my uterus because it didn't 'miscarry' properly. Other women must have experienced this, too. And these days, other women may go happily pregnant to their first scan only to find that the ultrasound shows emptiness. It's a horrible feeling.
We should know about it.
There's a lot of sadness in it, obviously. But something that stood out for me was this paragraph:
I had a baby of my own recently. By now I know that what I see at work will haunt me during any pregnancy. So it wasn’t unexpected that I had a million terrifying thoughts during this ultimately uncomplicated pregnancy. But what was most interesting to me was my reaction every time I went in for an ultrasound during my first trimester. As the tech put the gel on my belly and prepared the machine, I was surprised that my first fear wasn’t that the baby would have no heartbeat, that it would be dead. That was my second fear. My first fear was that the ultrasound would show emptiness, that the pregnancy would be inexplicably gone, or would have never been there. That this beloved project I had been working on, suffering for, would just be … nothing.
Because that happened to me.
My first pregnancy. What with my irregular cycle, I had been keeping track of my temperature for a few months, and I knew that this time, something had happened. Went to the chemist, had a pregnancy test, it was positive. Went to the doctor. Went on to the hospital to get started on the obstetric track, and even saw the consultant—who dismissed my assertion that I was twelve weeks pregnant and stated firmly that I was eight weeks along.
Knowing no better, I just assumed I would show this idiot who was right when I produced a baby a month before he thought I would. Didn't work out that way.
At seventeen weeks (by my count) I was actually at the dress rehearsal for a show (Die Fledermaus) when I started bleeding. Went straight to hospital. Had a scan. Back then, early scans were not routine, so this was the first one I'd had. And it turned out, there was no foetus in there.
I'd never heard of a 'blighted ovum' before. Turns out, it's possible for an egg to be fertilised, for all the right hormonal signals to be sent, for your uterus to start sorting itself out to host a newcomer—so that all the detectable signs of pregnancy are present—and for that fertilised egg simply to fail to develop. Apparently it is quite common. It's hardly ever mentioned. We all know about the possibility of miscarriage, but that there should be an unpregnancy, with everything happening except an actual zygote, that we don't tend to know about, or at least, I've hardly ever seen it discussed. Perhaps it is just lumped in under the 'miscarriage' label. But I had to have a D&C to empty my uterus because it didn't 'miscarry' properly. Other women must have experienced this, too. And these days, other women may go happily pregnant to their first scan only to find that the ultrasound shows emptiness. It's a horrible feeling.
We should know about it.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-16 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-05-16 01:53 pm (UTC)Oddly, I think I probably felt slightly better knowing there hadn't been a baby at all than I would have done if there'd been a baby that had 'gone wrong'. And quite a lot of my rage was—still is—directed at the consultant with the god complex who could have figured this out sooner if he had deigned to listen to me. Eh, it was a long time ago.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-24 04:28 am (UTC)My first fear was actually that, that I actually had an empty uterus when my whole body was preparing for the baby. It's only until now that I realised how much I actually wanted to become a mother, although it didn't happen under the circumstances I would've wanted. I felt so relieved when the doctor showed me the little sac and explained everything to me and I could actually see it.
Now that I'm 31wks far along, and I look back, I think I would've felt devastated had the doctor told me my scan showed nothing. I know my life would've kept going as it was, but now, with all the changes that have happened, I can't imagine not being pregnant and I can't wait for my baby to arrive in a few weeks.