(no subject)

[pensnest]

FIL died yesterday evening.



I felt weirdly numb yesterday night, and I had expected to feel relieved. Unburdened, even.

I think it must be the overload of intense emotions over the last, very difficult, month. There has been anger (a lot of it, along the lines of "we wouldn't put a dog through this"), dismay, and the incredible tension of not knowing what was going to happen—was he going to die? was he going to get better? how much better? how long would it all take? and, would we be able to deal with it? Physical revulsion, quite often, but most of all, heart-wrenching pity.


I'm more balanced this morning, and have already cleared out three cupboards of very well-travelled empty ice-cream cartons. I'm not kidding. The gigantic four-litre cartons are from Woolworths, so they only travelled from Australia. But I am sure that some of those smaller plastic boxes have actually been from Bexhill-on-Sea to Tasmania and back. Now, they are going into the recycling at long last.

The people from the funeral home have just collected the body. All beautifully organised and done with finesse.

Comments

[badly_knitted]

So sorry for your loss, it's so hard to deal with even when it's not exactly unexpected, and a relief in some respects. Such a confused tangle of emotions to sort out. *hugs*

[pensnest]

Thank you. This last month has been spectacularly difficult, so it is definitely a relief to have it all over, but it is indeed still quite hard to deal with it all.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Oh wow! That's really fast! I have been reading your posts and wishing you strength. I worked as a nurse in a nursing home for a few years and dementia is tough. I hope the rest of it goes as smoothly as it can.

[pensnest]

Yes, his decline was gradual for.... I'm not really sure how long. At the beginning of this year it got markedly worse, but a month ago (on, as I mentally refer to it, Shit Sunday) he had a UTI and got very bad very fast.

I'm impressed by anyone who can work in a nursing home. Don't think I could do it!

[smallhobbit]

I'm very sorry to hear your news. It's so hard to deal with even when expected, and potentially a relief, the emotions are still complicated and powerful.

If you ever wish to talk, or just have a listening ear, and don't want to make a post, please feel free to send me a private message.

[pensnest]

Thank you, that's very kind. I suspect there is an element of guilt for feeling relief rather than sadness, but I'd tell anyone else feeling the same that it's perfectly natural, in the circumstances.

[sperrywink]

I'm so sorry for your loss. And yeah, mixed emotions- I'm not surprised.

Good luck clearing out the FiL's space.

[pensnest]

Thank you.

There is *so* much stuff! Aside from a fullish kitchen and plenty in the bedroom, there are two ridiculously full garden sheds, and thirty-five boxes in the garage. Augh! I mean, there must be something useful in there... like, two more toasters (we recently swapped a poor one for one of the three he had in the garage).

It's good to be occupied, I suppose.

[yarnofariadne]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The mixed emotions sound entirely justified. Hugs if you want them ♥

[pensnest]

Thank you. I think if the end hadn't been so hard on him it would be easier to grieve, as it is the end was a kindness.

Hugs are always good!

[kingstoken]

I'm sorry for your loss

[pensnest]

Thank you.

[antisoppist]

I am sorry. Feelings are unexpected. Clearing out ice cream cartons while the feelings do their thing sounds restorative.

[pensnest]

Clearing away his Stuff is going to take a while. Good therapy!

[semielliptical]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all of the difficult times leading up to it.

[pensnest]

Thank you. I suspect it will take us a long while to realise what a burden we have put down, as we'll obviously be busy sorting things out for a while.

[turps]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and please pass on my condolences to Beast, too.

You've gone through a lot lately and will have more to come. So I hope at some point you can take time to be with your kidlets and Beast and just breathe.

♥

[pensnest]

Thank you, and I will.

The children (well, Bun, probably) are giving us lunch tomorrow. They have a deck, with a roof, so we can eat outside!

[spikedluv]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the dueling emotions. I'm sending positive vibes into the universe to help you get through this tough time. *hugs*

[pensnest]

Thank you. I think the more we do of the necessary clearing up and sorting out, the easier things will feel.

[turlough]

After the intense time you've had it's no wonder you're now feeling numb. And sorting out all those different emotions will surely take quite some time both for you and for Beast. *hugs you both long and hard*

[pensnest]

It has been intense, indeed! FIL was in obvious decline two months ago, but the last month was, well. Hideous, much of the time. *hugs back*

[altamira16]

So sorry for your loss.

[pensnest]

Thank you.

[ephemera]

My sympathies to you, and to Beast, on FIL's passing. May the end of his suffering be a balm in your loss. (It is fortunate that there's no rule that says you can only feel one thing at a time) *hugs*

[pensnest]

Thank you. It was nice to see him at peace, although having watched him breathe with such difficulty for a lot of Friday, I kept thinking he was breathing still. I suppose I'm in practice for feeling lots of things at once, because I've had to balance being kind to the human being in front of me with wishing for him to die, once the dementia really got bitter.

[frausorge]

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I wish you strength for dealing with the practical tasks, and hope you may get some peace.

[pensnest]

Thank you. Funnily enough, it is rather nice to have uninterrupted meals... not the kind of peace you meant, but there it is!

[sorchasilver]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's so difficult when emotions are mixed like that, and you've been carrying such a load. I hope you have support and comfort as you navigate this.

[pensnest]

Thank you. At least Beast and I are in it together, and both feeling much the same, I think.

[cathexys]

I'm so so sorry!!!! Thinking of you and Beast in this difficult time. HUGS!!!

[pensnest]

Thank you. *hugs back*

[manna]

I'm so sorry. Take your time, and feel whatever you feel, and just be kind to yourself. {hugs}

[pensnest]

Thank you. I think it's getting easier already, because we'd both mentally gone a long way towards saying goodbye to FIL well before he actually died. Still not quite used to not being woken in the middle of the night, though!

[chalcopyrite]

I'm sorry for your loss, and please give Beast my sympathies too. Complicated feelings don't stop being complicated just because the pressure is released, and I know it's been . . . a lot.

Good luck with clearing out the stuff. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else in this circumstance. ::hugs::

[pensnest]

I will, thank you. Clearing out the stuff is a good thing to be doing, because there is logic and a goal (or a set of goals, I suppose). We can make actual progress, rather than holding back the tide.

[fleurrochard]

I'm so sorry for your and Beast's loss. Please feel hugged a lot.

[pensnest]

Thank you!

[topaz119]

I'm so sorry for your loss--I hadn't realized he'd been failing physically as well as mentally. And, as others have said, you feel what you feel. Take care of yourself and Beast, for however long you both need it. ♥

[pensnest]

Thank you. I think the physical side kept going longer than the mental side, and it was the body's failure that made the mind worse.

We're lucky to have each other.

[kateoftheangels]

So sorry to hear, and to hear how difficult the last month has been. Deepest condolences to you and Beast and your family.

[pensnest]

Thank you. I guess... we survived? and we did make it possible for FIL to die at home as he wished, rather than go into hospital.

[dine]

I'm sorry. from what you've said, it's been hard (and getting harder) for a while, and the tangle of emotions now is so difficult. I hope your family can find comfort in each other, and discover at least a few interesting things as you clear out all the caches

[pensnest]

It's already getting easier to deal with the aftermath of emotional turmoil, and perhaps easier to reach a state of actually grieving.

There is certainly all kinds of Stuff here - kitchen is next on the list, and FIL had a habit of buying interesting gadgets, so who knows! I already found a silicon omelette maker.

[jerakeen]

All the hugs. <3

[pensnest]

Thank you!

[bettina]

I'm so sorry for your loss! Hugs to you and Beast! <333

[pensnest]

Thank you. I'll pass that on at once.

[brandywine28]

Oh. I'm so sorry for your loss. If it isn't too much trouble, can you give Beast my condolences?

Caregiving can be brutal and you're allowed to feel however you need to feel. But the man made it to ninety six -- which is no small feat! -- and he was able to pass peacefully at home, in his own bed, surrounded by people he loved and trusted, and you and Beast are the ones who made that possible. You did good, and as far as I'm concerned, you both have every reason to feel proud of yourselves. I think you're amazing.

<3

[pensnest]

Thank you. I will pass that along.

There was a weird dichotomy going on - kindness and resentment all at the same time. I don't think he felt the resentment, because I never wanted to express it to him, so I'm not going to punish myself for having felt it at times. I think we did right, and we did our best for him, and most of the time he knew it and appreciated it. Also, Beast is amazing.