rocking the microphone*

[pensnest]

Cars seem to be getting colourful again. For quite a while you could look at a car park and see serried ranks of black, white, and all shades of grey from charcoal to palest silver, but hardly any colour. Now, when I go to the gym, there are reds (Mazda red is The Best Red), blues, and some outliers. There were four green cars this morning: a Mini in a nice hunting green, something flashy in 'dark lizard', something that looked like mint green with milk in it, and something like a melted lime Opal Fruit Starburst. And a yellow. And we've seen an obnoxious purple which is something very flash, maybe a Lamborghini.

*

Well. We had an all-day rehearsal yesterday for my mixed chorus, and the day before that there was Ruffmead Fest, the mini music festival in someone's back garden. I had initially baked for this, cheese and rosemary shortbread biscuits, which sounded nice but... came out of the oven in think, pitiful smudges on the baking tray and crumble when I breathed on them, let alone tried to pick them up. So I made devilled eggs instead.

And I performed a poem.

* there was no actual microphone, although the hosts had thoughtfully provided a cardboard one

I can't remember if I ever put this up on my journal before, so I shall included it under the cut. As we no longer live in the Victorian era, when the minor transgressions of small children (like chewing bits of string) were punished with, well, death, I thought a Modern Day Matilda would be appropriate. There are a few phrases directly attributable to Hilaire Belloc, and the discerning long-term reader will also notice that it draws from my earlier take on this theme, The Story of James Lance, who Told Lies, and Came to a Sticky End.

I think I shall put it on my AO3, but am a bit at a loss as to fandom.


A Modern-Day Matilda

Matilda told such dreadful lies
It made one gasp and scratch one’s eyes.
Her aunt, who always told the truth
Was quite aghast when, in her youth,
Matilda told wild tales at school
That made her teacher feel a fool,
Until the principal, compelled,
Informed her that she was expelled.

Matilda, now at home at leisure
Found new mischief for her pleasure.
As soon as she was left alone
She tiptoed to the telephone
To summon the immediate aid
Of Norwich’s great fire brigade.
The blue lights flashed, the sirens wailed
The denizens of Sprowston flailed
Because it pleases simple folk
To see the flames and smell the smoke.
The hoses sent the water higher,
Although, in fact, there was no fire.
And Auntie had to pay a fine
For wrongly dialling nine-nine-nine.
Matilda’s unrepentant claim
Was that her aunt had shot to fame,
And should be grateful to her niece
For not involving the police.

It happened that, after some years,
Despite her aunt’s and parents’ fears,
Matilda, planning to go far
Made her career in PR.
And learned, promoting many clients,
Publicity was quite the science.
A woman with big breasts became
A celebrated household name.
A man who cheated on his wife
Was subsequently set for life.
A hundred others, villains all,
Thanks to Matilda, could stand tall.
The company was most impressed,
And so, our girl’s career progressed,
Until she gained a splendid prize,
A new event to organize,
To set all London town aquiver,
A celebration on the river,
A thing not witnessed every day
A fabulous firework display!
To which the citizens would come
To start the new millennium.

For weeks and weeks Matilda planned
A spectacle surpassing grand
Until at last the fireworks flew,
And all at once Matilda grew
Excited by the bursts of flame
And having very little shame
She promptly said, “I’ll risk the fine,”
And once again, called nine-nine-nine.
“Emergency! Which service, please?”
It brought back pleasant memories.
Obediently she told them where,
And said she’d seen explosions there.
The firemen rushed to save the Dome.
Matilda... took a fireman home.
The coverage she thus achieved
Had to be seen to be believed!
Front page on every tabloid rag,
A feature in each gossip mag.
And TV footage was assured.
Matilda won a gold award.
A statuette, and lots of dough
Presented at a special show.
That night, a fire did break out.
You should have heard Matilda shout!
You should have heard her shrieks of glee,
She’d never quite grown up, you see.
To douse the flames the firemen came
The mention of Matilda’s name
Encouraging them to make haste
And pose, with hoses firmly braced,
and manly muscled chests displayed,
A Feast of Firemen on parade!
And therefore, when the smoke had cleared,
Matilda,
and the men,
had disappeared.

The moral of this tale is clear
Though Aunt would not approve, I fear;
That nowadays, to win first prize,
You must be good at telling lies.

Comments

[starfleetbrat]

oh hillaire belloc wrote one of my fav poems ever (rebecca who slammed doors for fun and perished miserably), I've never come across anyone who has ever heard of him before!

love your matilda poem! a good modern take on the poem.

[turlough]

hillaire belloc wrote one of my fav poems ever (rebecca who slammed doors for fun and perished miserably), I've never come across anyone who has ever heard of him before!

I have heard of him and I love door-slamming Rebecca!

[pensnest]

Thank you! I don't think I have read the Rebecca poem, will have to hunt it out.

[kitarella_imagines]

Oh yes I noticed that about cars! They are much more colourful now. We used to have a very nice burnt orange one, then a cobalt blue one. But unfortunately then my husband chose a navy blue one. Why? It is so boring. However when we had the orange car I was followed by another car once, and another time a van stopped and waited for my car. I presume the drivers thought I was someone they knew, it's never happened with any other cars. So maybe it's best not to have a conspicuous coloured car but to stay more anonymous 🤔

Gosh a purple Lamborghini! Now that is making a statement!

[pensnest]

We've always had white or silver (husband's choice, for reasons of visibility, and I don't care passionately about it). Boring but respectable. Still, it is nice to see the variety of colours—there are so many shades of blue now, many of them really nice. I think the manufacturers are trying a bit harder.

[kitarella_imagines]

Your husband is sensible to choose white or silver, I don't know why mine settled on navy blue, it's almost invisible in the dark or rain. My choice would be the cobalt blue one as it's visible but not flashy. But hey ho, he's interested in cars, I'm not! 😅

It is indeed lovely to see so many colours. When I was young it was: red, blue, white, silver or black. Yawn...

[dine]

that is an excellent poem! seriously wonderful

it doesn't immediately ping as any fandom, but you could always post it as an original work

[pensnest]

Why, thank you! I discovered that there is in fact a Cautionary Tale tag, and someone else has done one. \o/

[minoanmiss]

*cheers wildly*

[pensnest]

*bows*

[kat_lair]

Hee, I enjoyed that yarn!

[pensnest]

Thank you!

[turps]

An excellent poem!

I love the more unusual car colours, after going from two oranges, a bright red and now a sort of turquoise, I doubt we'd pick greys again.

[pensnest]

We've always had white or grey, excepting our first Golf which was light blue and bought second-hand. I do feel a faint twinge of regret when I see cars in handsome colours, but, eh. So it mun be.

[turlough]

I've noticed cars becoming more colourful here too. Still haven't seen a purple one though I hope I will. Purple is awesome!

I wonder what happened to your shortbread. Sounds kind of like the proportions of the ingredients were wrong somehow.

The cardboard microphone made me giggle and then your Matilda poem made my laugh out loud! Just like starfleetbrat I'm very fond of Belloc's poem about Rebecca who slammed doors but I hadn't read the Matilda one before.

ETA: Forgot to say that I definitely think you should put it up on AO3. If nothing else suits there is always Original Work.

ETA much later: Look what I found on AO3: Cautionary Tales For Children - Hilaire Belloc

PS Got your mail and am now pondering my plans for next year.

[pensnest]

I see a purple car occasionally, and I quite approve, but the flash car was obnoxiously purple!

The shortbread was done with GF flour, as I try to make my offerings generally safe if I can. I have made GF shortbread before: lacking both gluten and semolina it is not very crisp, but works perfectly well for Millionaire's Shortbread. Not, though, for cheesy biscuits!

[turlough]

Hmm, wonder if it might have been the fat from the cheese that messed up the proportions?

[rikes]

Love the poem! And I do remember The Story of James Lance as well :D